Laceration
by SailorStrut
Summary: Thane's spirit is shattered; Shepard attempts to pick up the pieces. Implied themes.


Brought over from the mass kink meme. A hurt/comfort fic with a small twist; in this one, the man is the victim. Nothing graphic, but plenty of implications. Hopefully you'll find it tastefully done.

* * *

She found him staring at the stars.

He was poised in the same stance that Samara usually took during meditation; cross-legged, eyes gazing into the abyss. But there was nothing peaceful about him, no flash of wonder. His eyes were as black as the void itself, unblinking and unwavering.

"I brought you some hot chocolate." She kept her voice strong, refusing to show weakness. If she did, they would both be undone. Gingerly she sat beside him, placing the mug in front of him and her now-empty hand on his knee. He didn't flinch, didn't push her away. A good sign.

"Thank you for thinking of me, Shepard." His voice was flat, the rasp more pronounced than usual. He didn't look at her, didn't move to take the mug. Just stared ahead.

"You called me Shepard." She shouldn't have brought it up. This wasn't about her. It was about him, helping him past that botched mission, and the fallout.

"I do not think myself worthy of calling you siha. Forgive me."

It took all of her willpower not to dig her nails into his knee, not to lecture. A gentle approach was best right now, the only right approach.

She blamed it on herself, not willing to retreat despite her team's injuries. It was a simple search-and-retrieve mission for Cerberus, one that went horribly wrong when they took a wrong turn. The terrain had already done its damage, falling out from underneath them. The merc ambush just put the icing on the cake.

_Go, siha. Bring Garrus back to the ship; I will follow._

It was a terrible move on her part. She should have known he couldn't escape through the vents with his injured leg. She should have never split her team apart. She should have retreated before this could ever happen, before they could take him and torture him for information he didn't possess.

But it was too late now, and time to move on. Time to heal.

"I killed every one of those bastards," She voiced, unable to keep her tone neutral. "Made them pay. Avenged you."

He turned to her then, those black eyes springing to life with emotions she never thought he would aim at her. Anger. Confusion. Disappointment.

"Have you learned nothing from me, Shepard? Nothing at all?"

"What do you mean?" Oh, to reverse that look in his eyes, to make those beautiful lips curl into a smile. She was meant to heal him, and had only made things worse.

"I spent ten years dead. Not only due to the murder of my Irikah, but the steps I took after, the destruction of my soul. I became a murderer instead of an instrument, and I can never repent. I thought you would have learned something. Not make the same mistake that I had. I thought better of you, Shepard. I was wrong."

Her heart hammered in her throat, and she could actively feel herself shaking. He hadn't said this much to her since the attack, and never with such venom. She had ruined everything, hurt him beyond what he could take.

"Thane, I...I didn't think. I should have, and I know you're right. All I could see was your face, and the bruises. It's not something I'm proud of, but I couldn't just let them go after all that."

"Yes, you could have. True revenge is getting over what someone has done to you, healing and moving on. You chose the same path I did. It will end the same way."

"In what? Finding the man I love, and then watching him suffer because I'm a terrible leader? They're dead, Thane, and I'm going to have to life with that the rest of my life. But this isn't about me. It's about you." It was finally out in the open. They needed to talk about it, to come to terms with it. She couldn't protect him any longer.

He was silent for a long moment, uncrossing his legs and nimbly getting to his feet, never turning away from the window.

"I'm departing tomorrow morning. I won't trouble you with my presence any longer."

She had seen this coming, knew he would try this. He couldn't get away with it. "You're not a burden and you know it. You can't run from this, no matter how hard you try."

"With all due respect, Shepard, I failed to protect myself back there. How can I be expected to serve you and your team if I can't even manage myself?"

Gingerly she stood and moved behind him, placing her hand on his shoulder. Perhaps drell and human culture weren't so different after all.

"Thane, you were outnumbered and injured. It's a testament to how strong you are that you resisted that torture for as long as you did. If it had been me, you would be giving me the exact same speech."

"Shepard, it's different with you. You are..."

"A woman." The grip on his shoulder tightened, her voice still steady. "It isn't about being an assassin, is it? It's about being a man. A man should never be weak, right?"

Clearly she had struck a nerve. He pushed her hand off his shoulder roughly, striding out of the room without another word. Not about to let him go, Shepard moved after him, grasping his hand tightly.

"It isn't your fault."

He stopped moving, gripping her hand back. She had to keep talking, had to get him to understand.

"If it had been me in that situation, would you tell me it was my fault?"

"Of course not." He looked appalled at the thought.

"Then why are you taking the blame?" Very slowly, as if he would run if she made any sudden movements, she grasped his waist and hoisted him into the air, putting him down gently. It had taken some effort, but she did it, staring him in the face after.

"You can pick me up. I can pick you up. Isn't that the main difference between a man and a woman? Strength?"

"Shepard, I-"

"I survived on Akuze while my squadmates fell around me. I overcame that psychological trauma like you overcame that of Irikah's death. Doesn't that make us both strong?"

He was silent, a blank look on his face. It meant he was thinking, considering.

"No speech I give is going to make it better. I know that. But maybe it will get you to understand that it wasn't your fault. You aren't a burden. You aren't a failure. You went through something horrific, and you're acting like anyone would. Man or woman."

"You are right, siha," Thane murmured, grasping her hand once more. He didn't look fully convinced, but he was willing to entertain the thought, and was willing to call her siha again. It was enough.

"Sit with me," She invited, leading him back over to where they were before, the mug of hot chocolate now cold. He sipped it anyway, leaning back into her as she kept her arms around him, the most intimacy he had allowed in ages. It was a step. He would take another tomorrow, another the next day, and maybe someday he would heal, be able to move on.

Until then she was content to stare into space, ready to catch him if he fell.


End file.
